Here Comes Santa's Pussy

If you like this blog, you'll love The Frogs. Merry Christmas, Assholes.

Hate Mail

So, I've received some hate mail recently from a few site visitors. I suppose this is a good thing, that means that people are finding the blog. Here are some guidelines for future senders of hate mail in order to save some of your time, as well as mine:

1) I am well aware that this blog is offensive. Starting your email with "Your blog is incredibly offensive" is like starting an email with "Babies will drown if you throw them in a pool."

2) Nothing you can say will convince me that pedophilia jokes aren't funny. Don't call me a sicko. I'm not the one who fucks kids.

3) Don't call me an asshole. I've created a blog called For Assholes. You really don't think I already know I'm an asshole? See #1 above. The blog is offensive by design, and has been created to appeal to people who indulge in their own little streak of evil. We all have it in us (Much like so many kids had Jerry Sandusky's cock in their mouths. Zing!), and if you're able to laugh at the content on here, then great. You're as asshole. If you aren't able to laugh,  then no one likes you at parties.

4) There's no such thing as "too soon". Casey Anthony and Jerry Sandusky jokes are awesome. And the holocaust was a long time ago, so that one is definitely fair game.

Nicole 4 Eva

This is the face Reese Witherspoon will make if you ever finger her on a rollercoaster. Sorry to ruin the surprise for future-potential-fingerers-of-Reese-Witherspoon-on-a-rollercoaster.

Genie in a Bottle

If you didn't believe the rumor that Christina Aguilera smelled like hot dogs before, you sure as fuck should now.

We're Sitting on a Goldmine

Step 1. Fuse metal detectors to forearm crutches.
Step 2. Create an army of people with cerebral palsy.
Step 3. Swim in a pool of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck. Dollar dollar bills, ya'll.

Investors can contact me at parkerjamesjokes@gmail.com

Upstaged

Muscular Distrophy might want to re-think its ad campaign. "Jerry's Kids" has a whole new meaning now.

Growing Pains

You looked better when you were anorexic. You sure you don't want to give that another shot?

Subject: Nun

The saying "dryer than a Nun's cunt" doesn't make any sense. Nuns aren't even allowed to diddle themselves. They're probably constantly soaked. You wouldn't say something was softer than a Priest's cock. Especially to one of the altar boys they buttfucked.

See You Next Tuesday

You can't spell "Kardashian" without s-t-u-p-i-d-c-u-n-t-w-h-o-r-e.

Siri-ously

I'm all for women's rights and whatnot, but these people need to fucking relax. It's not Siri's responsibility to tell you where to go to get your baby sucked out of you. You don't even need a clinic. You can:

1) Throw yourself down a set of stairs. (Don't be a pussy, make sure they're concrete or wooden. Babies are tougher than you think.)

2) Have a homeless person punch you in the stomach until your vagina bleeds.

3) Decide to have and raise the baby in a loving and supportive home.

4) Shake the baby until it dies.

You're welcome, ladies.

Fingered to or Danced to?

"You're Still the One" by Shania Twain: Have more girls been fingered to this song, or have more girls danced to this song at their wedding? Chances are, the girl would be poor in either case so I guess it doesn't matter because poor people are stupid.

Speaking of Kids...

Does anyone else remember that rumor about Lil Bow Wow getting raped by his limo driver? Of all the celebrity sex tapes that are out there now, where's that one?

Missed Out

If I had known about all the hot kid sex that takes place in college sports, I would have tried a lot harder in gym class.

Chick-Fil-Boner

Chick-Fil-A always seems to be employed by Christian-looking teenagers. Naturally, I think about having sex with them the entire time I'm in there. Or, I think about making crucifix-shaped chicken strips. I always ask for extra Polynesian sauce in case either scenario eventually plays out.

Nip/Tuck

I'm sorry, are we really supposed to be impressed by the chimp lady's new face? She looks like a Lego person that was left next to a hot desk lamp for too long.

Biggest Loser Was Enough

How much longer do we have to pretend that it's OK to have fat people on television? Didn't we prove we're progressive enough by electing a black guy as President?

Two Birds, One Stone

Fucking a pregnant chick counts as a threesome, so if you fuck one and a threesome is on your bucket list, go ahead and cross it off. However, it's only technically a threesome, so if fucking a baby is also on your bucket list, you'll need to do that separately.  

Go Football

I've never been a fan of college football, but lately, every time I read about Penn State's program I get a giant, throbbing erection, so I think I'm starting to come around.

Marty McAntsInHisPants

We're just as disappointed that Hoverboards haven't been invented yet as you are that a cure for Parkinson's hasn't been invented yet.

That's Amore

It's a shame these two couldn't work things out. I guess he'll have to go back to playing a boring sport that no one fucking cares about, and she'll go back to sucking on every black cock within a 30 mile radius.

Fun While It Lasts...

My favorite part about that Extreme Home Makeover show is watching the happy reactions of the people who have their homes renovated, and then picturing how sad they'll look in two years when the IRS kicks them out of it for not being able to afford the taxes on the place.

White People VS. Not Being Fucking Dorks

Loss: White People

Black People VS. The Letter "S"

White Guy: Whose gum is this?

Black Guy: That gum is mines.

White Guy: How much did that gum cost?

Black Guy: 50 Cent.

White Guy: Are you doing that on purpose, or do you really not know?

Black Guy: What are you talking about?

White Guy's head explodes.

Top 10 Movies

Top 10 Movies of All Time:

1) Bijou Phillips gets raped by a bunch of Mexicans and/or Navajo Indians. Anne Hathaway was there, too. (Release date 2005)

2) Bijou Phillips gets raped by some kid while he watches gay porn. I don't know who else was in that one. (Release date 2001)

3-9) Other movies in which Bijou Phillips gets raped. (Release dates TBD)

10) The Passion of the Christ. Jesus is in this one. (Release date 2004)

T-Rex

Eastlake Player Kicks His Way Past Disability

Yeah... But how many push-ups can he do?

No One Wants to Fuck You

When a fat person is talented, it's kind of a moot point.

Huh?

The most unfortunate thing about deaf people is that they're the only ones who don't get to hear how hilarious they sound when they speak.

That's Lo

If I had cancer and connections with the Make-A-Wish Foundation, I'd ask for Cee Lo Green to jerk me off with his weird midget hands.

Hey Corky!

Smile, little buddy! Turn that frown upside Down's Syndrome!

Toddlers and Tiaras and Titties

Finally! A show on standard cable I can jerk off to. Thanks, THE LEARNING CHANNEL!



Speaking of Jews...

Oh my God! I would die to have such great abs and prominent cheekbones!

It Sounds Like Candy...

It's a little strange that the country responsible for a whimsical word like "wunderbar" is also responsible for the deaths of a shit-ton of jews.

Ewwww!

God damn! Somebody get that kid some fucking chapstick!

But seriously, cleft palates aren't funny.

HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa!!!

But seriously, you can donate money to them here http://www.cleftline.org/ 

Or...

You can donate money to puppies because seeing them won't make you want to throw up http://www.aspca.org/donate.aspx?gclid=CLj0nO6M6KsCFQhN4Aod_B8AJw

Totally your call.

Macaroni and Chaz

I just don't understand why you'd get surgery to have a dick sewn on, but not liposuction. He/She could lose ten pounds in his/her head alone. The doctor probably could have used some of that fat to make a huge dick, too. Missed opportunities will always come back to haunt you, "Chaz." Oh, and remember when your Dad died from smacking into that tree?

Isn't It Ironic?

10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife is NOT IRONIC. You stupid, Canadian bitch.

Pancreatic Cancer Treatment

There's not an app for that.

Knock, Knock...

Knock, Knock.

Who's There?

Not John John Travolta's son. His ass is dead.

Priorities

Isn't it funny how some people don't want homosexuals to adopt a child because they think the child is more likely to be gay as a result, but fat, ugly, stupid, and poor people can make as many fucking kids as they want?

Little? Debbie

"It's what's on the inside that counts." - Fat People. With cake inside of them, incidentally.

20/20

Asians in eyeglasses are just looking for attention. You're already constantly squinting. Stop being so dramatic.

Butterfly Kisses

"I'll bet Chad gives you the best fingering of your life tonight. You'll always be my little girl!"

... and one in the stink.

Study A Broad

Amanda Knox would had to have taken a knife to me to get me to play a sex game with her, too. Those eyebrows are just atrocious.

Jew Tube

Thinking about Anne Frank while masturbating probably makes you a bit of a pedophile. It definitely means you aren't anti-Semetic though, so I say go for it.

You were thinking it...

You can fuck Casey Anthony without a condom on. I'm pretty sure she'd be cool with getting an abortion.