Here Comes Santa's Pussy

If you like this blog, you'll love The Frogs. Merry Christmas, Assholes.

Hate Mail

So, I've received some hate mail recently from a few site visitors. I suppose this is a good thing, that means that people are finding the blog. Here are some guidelines for future senders of hate mail in order to save some of your time, as well as mine:

1) I am well aware that this blog is offensive. Starting your email with "Your blog is incredibly offensive" is like starting an email with "Babies will drown if you throw them in a pool."

2) Nothing you can say will convince me that pedophilia jokes aren't funny. Don't call me a sicko. I'm not the one who fucks kids.

3) Don't call me an asshole. I've created a blog called For Assholes. You really don't think I already know I'm an asshole? See #1 above. The blog is offensive by design, and has been created to appeal to people who indulge in their own little streak of evil. We all have it in us (Much like so many kids had Jerry Sandusky's cock in their mouths. Zing!), and if you're able to laugh at the content on here, then great. You're as asshole. If you aren't able to laugh,  then no one likes you at parties.

4) There's no such thing as "too soon". Casey Anthony and Jerry Sandusky jokes are awesome. And the holocaust was a long time ago, so that one is definitely fair game.

Nicole 4 Eva

This is the face Reese Witherspoon will make if you ever finger her on a rollercoaster. Sorry to ruin the surprise for future-potential-fingerers-of-Reese-Witherspoon-on-a-rollercoaster.

Genie in a Bottle

If you didn't believe the rumor that Christina Aguilera smelled like hot dogs before, you sure as fuck should now.

We're Sitting on a Goldmine

Step 1. Fuse metal detectors to forearm crutches.
Step 2. Create an army of people with cerebral palsy.
Step 3. Swim in a pool of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck. Dollar dollar bills, ya'll.

Investors can contact me at parkerjamesjokes@gmail.com

Upstaged

Muscular Distrophy might want to re-think its ad campaign. "Jerry's Kids" has a whole new meaning now.

Growing Pains

You looked better when you were anorexic. You sure you don't want to give that another shot?

Subject: Nun

The saying "dryer than a Nun's cunt" doesn't make any sense. Nuns aren't even allowed to diddle themselves. They're probably constantly soaked. You wouldn't say something was softer than a Priest's cock. Especially to one of the altar boys they buttfucked.

See You Next Tuesday

You can't spell "Kardashian" without s-t-u-p-i-d-c-u-n-t-w-h-o-r-e.

Siri-ously

I'm all for women's rights and whatnot, but these people need to fucking relax. It's not Siri's responsibility to tell you where to go to get your baby sucked out of you. You don't even need a clinic. You can:

1) Throw yourself down a set of stairs. (Don't be a pussy, make sure they're concrete or wooden. Babies are tougher than you think.)

2) Have a homeless person punch you in the stomach until your vagina bleeds.

3) Decide to have and raise the baby in a loving and supportive home.

4) Shake the baby until it dies.

You're welcome, ladies.

Fingered to or Danced to?

"You're Still the One" by Shania Twain: Have more girls been fingered to this song, or have more girls danced to this song at their wedding? Chances are, the girl would be poor in either case so I guess it doesn't matter because poor people are stupid.