Just Saying...

I'd like to fuck a pocket pussy (or any synthetic vagina, really) at least once before I die. Also, the Feast of the Immaculate Conception is coming up.

Natural Disasters

There are times when natural disasters occur that people look to God, Buddha, Josh Groban, or whoever else people pray to, and ask "Why? Why did you let this happen?" Hurricane Sandy is not one of those times. Hurricane Sandy happened because people in New Jersey are pieces of shit. So thank whoever it is you pray to for finally giving that state a fucking shower.

Say Your Prayers, Eat Your Vitamins

The only thing that should shock us about Hulk Hogan's sex tape is that he isn't fucking his daughter in it.

Ferry Handjobs

Every time I spill my hot chocolate, I have to jerk off. Thanks a lot, Dolores Claiborne.

Nickelbitch

My God. They're getting married. If there ever was a couple likely to spawn the Anti-Christ, it'd be these two talentless cunts.

If they do make a kid, this will be the lyrics to Nickelback's next single:

You're a baby,
I don't mean maybe.
Your Mom had you.
I did, too.
My band's real good.
Those trees are wood.

Chorus:

I love you
You know it's true
You're my kid
I'm glad I did
Avril Lavigne
Some plants are green

And here's Avirl's next single:

OMG, I'm wearing a tie with this t-shirt you guys! Thanks to all my fans and God. LOL!

Nananananananananananananananana BATMAN!

You think that guy shot up that Colorado movie theater during the Dark Knight Rises midnight show because black people were talking during the movie?

Camping Without the Camp

The Boy Scouts of America recently reaffirmed their ban on homosexuals. That should be a huge relief to parents who want to have their sons raped on camping trips by good, honest, straight, Christian men instead of learning knot-tying and archery from those sinful queers.

Africa's Next Top Model

 

Thin is in. You look fantastic! Quit pouting, you little cunt.

RIP, You Sick Fuck

Sad news, Assholes. Dennis Flemion of the Frogs is dead. In his honor, we should all write a song about raping his dead, cold, bloated body, but saving the ejaculation for the face of the retarded 11 year-old girl we have chained up in our basement. He would have wanted it that way.

Therapy

When life hands you lemons, stab and kill a homeless. You'll feel so much better. And killing a homeless isn't killing a person because they're poor and homeless.

Get Down and Go For It!

You guys remember that episode of Saved By The Bell where Kelly, Lisa, and Jessie form the girl group Hot Fudge Sundaes?

I always wanted to rape Lisa.

Dead Baby Photography

I am now a dead baby photographer. Please spread the word. If your child is still-born, I'll show up at the hospital with a mid-grade digital camera and take hundreds of pictures for you to post to your Facebook account so you can creep the living shit out of your family, friends, and people from high school you barely talked to but have access to all of your weird Facebook shit. I have a make-up kit in case the little monster is starting to turn gray (I can't drop EVERYTHING just to take pictures of your dead baby, so it might be awhile before I get to it), a cowboy costume, a cowgirl costume, an astronaut costume (boy only!), and a bumblebee (unisex). Please don't contact me to take pictures of your baby if it's alive. I'm trying to carve out a niche here.

I'm A Size 6. Times 7.

How do fat people go about shopping for clothes? Do you just pick out the things you look the least disgusting in? Or do you throw caution to the wind since you're really only at the mall to hit up the food court anyway? Seriously, if you're a fatty, let me know. And then get off of this blog, I don't want you getting any of your fat germs on it.

Cusack for Pres

All hail, Joan Cusack! According to this, she told Gabourney Sidibe to quit trying to be an actress before she "made it big" with that Precious movie. If only she had listened. Why should I have to look at this fat stank blob everytime I want to masturbate to that Laura Linney cancer show on Showtime? It might not have worked, but thanks for trying Joan. Fat people can be really determined about shit. Except for cleaning up their diets or exercising.

Yes!

Someone happened upon this blog recently by Googling "shameless retarded asian baby". You can 't imagine how proud I was when I saw that in my traffic stats today.

Thanks, Uncle Jerry

I wonder if there are any kids that Jerry Sandusky had inappropriate contact with that haven't come forward yet. If I got buttfucked in a shower by Jerry Sandusky, yeah. I'd probably tell on him. But if he just blew me and bought me a computer, I don't know that I would have been that upset about that.

Just a Hunch

I obviously don't know her personally, but I have a feeling that Scarlett Johansson is a giant cunt, and she isn't generous with oral sex reciprocity. One man's opinion, anyway. Have a nice weekend, Assholes.

Shameless My Ass

So, I got all caught up on Season 2 of Shameless over the Easter Weekend (He is Risen) and without giving too much away for those that haven't seen it yet, a half-asian baby with Downs makes an appearance. Imagine my excitement when this first happened. Now, with a show called "Shameless", you'd think that retard, asian, retarded/asian jokes would have been all over the place, but you'd have been disappointed. Here you go, Showtime:

"It's a good thing they don't give retards driving licenses. One less Asian on the road."

"Aw, poor little guy is going to have that huge, swollen tongue but a tiny, little penis."

"Retarded or not, he's still going to be better at math than all of us."

"Ew, someone kill that thing. It's retarded."

That took me less than three minutes.

I Heart Hoodies

At first, the Trayvon Martin tragedy really bothered me because I thought he was shot just for wearing a hoodie, and I'm a fan of them. I'm not nearly as outraged anymore now knowing it was because he was wearing a hoodie AND he was black. I'm white, so I'm all set.

Pretty Woman

What the fuck? The point of hiring a high-end prostitute, or any prostitute for that matter, is that they keep their fucking mouths shut. What a Goddamn amateur. If Americans can't trust their hookers, then we are truly in a sad state.

Oh, and don't fuck a hooker if your wife is sick blah blah blah.  

WEEEE!!!!

This is encouraging. We need to throw more crippled people off of bridges.

Trade Off

Stephen Hawking is a world-famous theoretical physicist. But I am better at kickball, so fuck him.

I'm Not Mad. I'm Disappointed.

Some mention of Snooki's engagement or pregnancy has been on the Google News homepage every day for the past week. Fuck you, America. Seriously. Fuck you.

International What?

March 8th is International Women's Day! Wanna know why you've never heard of it? Because no one fucking cares.

What a Face

Awww, poor disgusting fat slob says there's "no way out" from the trap his 600 lb body has him in. What? Too tired to commit suicide? God, fat people are so fucking lazy.

You Blew It

You fucked up dude. I'm happy for you because you're fucking an 18 year old and all, but there are much hotter 18 year olds in the world that would be worth destroying your marriage, family, and career for. That bitch with the big-ass face isn't one of them.

Fucking gingers, man.

The Most Offensive Blog on Tumblr

Hey Assholes,

If you haven't already, you should check out The Most Offensive Blog on Tumblr. They do some good work, and are much more fancy in their layout than yours truly. Funnier than a sack full of drowning babies.

Parker

2011

2012

2013

Paula...Lean?

Kind of sad when your "new, slimmer look" results in you looking like a bloated carrot. Being less fat than you were six months ago, but still fat nonetheless, will score you no points with this Asshole.

Ash Wednesday

Happy Ash Wednesday, everyone. And just remember, the Catholic Church doesn't want you eating meat today. Sucking off a 12-year-old is fair game, as long as you buy his silence with a Filet-o-Fish sandwich.

Back to the Future Hoverboards Are Coming

So I did this post back in November:

http://forassholes.blogspot.com/2011/11/marty-mcantsinhispants.html

And now, it would appear that hoverboards will soon be a reality.

http://www.ology.com/screen/mattel-making-dreams-come-true-next-holiday-season/02132012 

Now let's just keep our fingers crossed that a cure for Parkinson's is next those little Domino's Pizzas that expand into big Domino's Pizzas are next!

Downs For The Count

The "Who's Nailin' Palin?" pornographic series is dangerous in the sense that it can encourage others to have sexual relations with the real Sarah Palin. I strongly advise against this. The last kid she made was retarded, and you know that bitch won't abort anything.

Home Alone Bone

If Jerry Sandusky ever sees this picture of Macaulay Culkin, it's going to ruin Home Alone 1 and 2 for him.

Super Bowl Results

"These Super Bowl thingies are really hard to win when you're not allowed to cheat..."

-Bill Belichick

"If there are any two-time Super Bowl winning quarterbacks that deserve to rape college chicks in bathrooms, it's Eli Manning. His wife is cross-eyed."

-Parker James

"Lady Gaga looked old as shit last night."

-16 year olds

These Olympics ARE Special!

I was at Dulles International last week when I happened upon this poster for the Special Olympics. For anyone keeping score, this goalie is:

1) Fat
2) Black
3) Androgynous
4) Retarded

As if a black person playing hockey wasn't enough of a statement...

Your move, Enterline Foundation.

Teacher of the Year

Mark Berndt fed 3rd grade students his semen. All my 3rd grade teacher ever did was teach me cursive. Like THAT was going to prepare me for real life...

Thumbs Up

Mother Teresa could only cum during sex if you put your thumb in her asshole.

Kissed By A Rose

I guess Heidi Klum finally figured out that no amount of Oil of Olay was going to fix Seal's face. Auf wiedersehen, Braille face.

Yuck

Look, I'm not a Newt Gingrich supporter by any means, but ANYONE would have requested an open marriage if they were forced to only fuck someone that looked like this.

No thanks, Mr. Lucas

Sorry George, but no one is going to see Red Tails. White people aren't going to see it because it's about black people, and black people aren't going to see it because they're holding out for Tyler Perry's Meet the Tuskegee Airmen.

Hipster Blowies

Hipster chicks give the best head because they try so hard to look like they're not trying so hard while they try so hard.

Corey Felt Men

Corey Feldman plans to finger the same men that fingered him.
I thought that only poor kids got molested. Go figure. I'd feel bad for Corey Feldman if he wasn't Corey Feldman.

Million Dollar Labia

Hilary Swank looks like she has a stinky cooter.

That is all.

Greece Lightning

According to this article, touching kids in Greece will get you a disability check.

So, a one-legged, schizophrenic, retarded Greek who also has Parkinson's AND likes to take Penn State showers could technically be rolling in Euros. Pretty good deal if you fit the criteria...

Rain Woman

I don't care how many cattle Temple Grandin has helped. She has autism and talks funny, so I am better than her.

Recommended Reading

If you've never read "Haunted" by Chuck Palahniuk, I recommend it. It includes a short story about a woman who always felt a connection with inanimate objects like teddy bears, dolls etc. She felt they were real, with individual personalities. This woman grows up to work in conjunction with a police force in the child welfare department or something like that. If it was suspected that a child was sexually abused, she had these dolls that the kids could use to show her where and how an adult touched them. Anyway, after several years of use, the dolls are starting to fall apart so she orders new ones. However, she accidentally orders anatomically correct child sex dolls instead. Long story short, all of the police officers start signing these dolls out saying they need them for several investigations but they're really just fucking them. When she starts to suspect this, she steals the dolls. The sex dolls were just as real to her, if not more so, than the teddy bears she had when she was younger. It's been awhile since I've read the book, so I'm sure I'm getting some of these details wrong. It's just a really good, revealing story on how vile people can be, and how no person, regardless of their background or profession, can ever be truly trusted. It's a cautionary tale, and one that should be read by everyone. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'd really like to fuck a kid doll.

Come on, you saw that coming, right?

God and Rape



One loves to pray, the other loves to rape chicks. Can't we just let these guys do what makes them happy without making a big deal about it?

Who Do You Think You're Fooling?

Fat People: Why do you order salads when you're at a restaurant? It's like you think we don't know that as soon as you get home you roll around in mayonnaise and cheesy garlic bread. The one thing you're good for is laughing at, so please order something gross so we can judge you even further. You aren't fooling anyone. Stop being so selfish.