tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-74892456403073601332024-03-13T12:43:25.600-07:00For AssholesThe funny blog for assholes. Some would call it offensive. I would call them cunts.
An archive can be found at the bottom of this page. Enjoy, fellow assholes.Parker Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755692918096809051noreply@blogger.comBlogger104125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7489245640307360133.post-66930458197483445362013-11-14T05:43:00.003-08:002013-11-14T05:43:47.397-08:00True StoryBefore becoming famous, Miley Cyrus was voted by her classmates as most likely to be fingered in an above ground pool. Parker Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755692918096809051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7489245640307360133.post-56607625076677431342013-08-22T11:13:00.000-07:002014-02-19T05:05:37.980-08:00Dude Looks Like A ... Dude<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMnYd0YB3a6_JCD94kOp6fPLlQxvnUfHSHzQgpsAg4pBPEOTKgBsjURTC5vLYHjw_MCRnAH9G7FJgqOcIOAhmHLn2FYVdGcwTPybrR8gM38sAW17pu0ZveLdilutkZp0CBxLdqgr2qAwY/s1600/Capture.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMnYd0YB3a6_JCD94kOp6fPLlQxvnUfHSHzQgpsAg4pBPEOTKgBsjURTC5vLYHjw_MCRnAH9G7FJgqOcIOAhmHLn2FYVdGcwTPybrR8gM38sAW17pu0ZveLdilutkZp0CBxLdqgr2qAwY/s200/Capture.JPG" height="150" width="200" /></a></div>
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Bradley Manning, the WikiLeaks solder who was just sentenced to 35 years of federal prison for sending classified military information to the media, publicly announced that he'd be living the rest of his life as a woman named Chelsea Manning and plans to undergo hormone therapy. No need for the pills, Chelsea. You've already proven to the world that you're a woman by not being able to keep your fucking mouth shut. Parker Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755692918096809051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7489245640307360133.post-58131720005882241302013-08-22T07:29:00.002-07:002013-08-22T07:29:41.650-07:00Scotch, Scotch, I Love ScocthIf a girl thinks it's hot that you're a scotch drinker, then she probably used to get fucked by her Dad. Go for it! Parker Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755692918096809051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7489245640307360133.post-39168551945221722892013-08-09T06:23:00.001-07:002013-08-09T06:23:17.074-07:00397 "Likes"A Florida man recently <a href="http://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/south-miami-man-allegedly-kills-wife-posts-pic-dead-body-article-1.1421670" target="_blank">murdered his wife</a> and then posted a photo and confession to Facebook. A neighbor who wished to remain anonymous expressed shock and disgust, saying "I just can't believe Derek did something like this. For him to murder his own wife and post it to Facebook when Instagram is clearly the better tool for the job...it's just sad. Really upsetting."Parker Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755692918096809051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7489245640307360133.post-69053493664215639662013-08-08T06:03:00.001-07:002013-08-08T06:03:29.273-07:00Here's To DementiaA <a href="http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2013/aug/8/two-cups-cocoa-day-could-keep-dementia-away-neurol/" target="_blank">recent study</a> suggests that drinking two cups of hot cocoa a day can help prevent dementia in the elderly. Throwing everyone in the world over 70 into the sun would also prevent dementia and would remove a significant amount of the population that drives at or below the speed limit. Parker Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755692918096809051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7489245640307360133.post-42669341426433601562013-06-20T05:23:00.000-07:002013-06-20T05:23:29.817-07:00Something To Keep In MindThe Trapeze Swinger by Iron & Wine is the type of song that a nice girl would like to be fingered to. <br />
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<object width="320" height="266" class="BLOGGER-youtube-video" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0" data-thumbnail-src="http://img.youtube.com/vi/a8aPyBr-_S0/0.jpg"><param name="movie" value="http://youtube.googleapis.com/v/a8aPyBr-_S0&source=uds" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><embed width="320" height="266" src="http://youtube.googleapis.com/v/a8aPyBr-_S0&source=uds" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object></div>
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We Know Where You Sleep by The Paper Chase is the type of song that a slutty girl would like to get the shocker to.<br />
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Parker Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755692918096809051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7489245640307360133.post-76002339401783738492013-04-04T13:18:00.001-07:002013-04-04T13:18:39.177-07:00Everyone's A CriticI give Roger Ebert two thumbs down for his battle with cancer, but two thumbs up for his Howdy Doody Halloween costume. <br />
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Parker Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755692918096809051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7489245640307360133.post-54113640498497690072013-03-27T04:33:00.000-07:002013-03-27T04:33:09.783-07:00Grammar NaziIf you're one of those people that say "I could care less" when trying to convey apathy, then I couldn't care less if someone stabs you in your fucking face. Parker Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755692918096809051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7489245640307360133.post-57575043670624779122013-03-21T04:29:00.001-07:002013-03-21T04:29:11.912-07:00Contingency PlanIf the government ever shuts down internet porn, I can always go back to setting up a camera on the ball pit at a Chuck E. Cheese, so I'm not too worried. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD0_q5tVJ9HLA-2qaGdiWcKv6zc-L-oNB9NKP3f4sPolQotARmTo1t737KFbkC88-MsgsHD8h0Pgy-nSLoJq5qAGn7n-t-sBk-2f0MTLqz0omtwAgmZiF39MEfmLEaF5PVNzAzS4FF180/s1600/BP.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD0_q5tVJ9HLA-2qaGdiWcKv6zc-L-oNB9NKP3f4sPolQotARmTo1t737KFbkC88-MsgsHD8h0Pgy-nSLoJq5qAGn7n-t-sBk-2f0MTLqz0omtwAgmZiF39MEfmLEaF5PVNzAzS4FF180/s320/BP.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
Parker Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755692918096809051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7489245640307360133.post-77845365711380762932013-03-08T05:39:00.001-08:002013-03-08T05:39:39.608-08:00Nailed It<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkvhXK6UqXcaU0g0yCpNnKMBvOtMy3LmQp_AE5laJenO7N02uYf2GG7k-ovBKDOO9r-zjWD8FPFdxWL8btNnxOamEQW9ur2dDFd582Z4syyBOwKRoTAc2JgowyCuhg0P6EMQ8JEJ1h3rY/s1600/P.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkvhXK6UqXcaU0g0yCpNnKMBvOtMy3LmQp_AE5laJenO7N02uYf2GG7k-ovBKDOO9r-zjWD8FPFdxWL8btNnxOamEQW9ur2dDFd582Z4syyBOwKRoTAc2JgowyCuhg0P6EMQ8JEJ1h3rY/s200/P.JPG" width="196" /></a></div>
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If Phillip Seymour Hoffman wasn't famous, he'd be that one adult wearing sweatpants in the electronics department of a Wal-Mart playing the Nintendo DS on display. And he'd have a fanny pack full of lottery tickets. Parker Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755692918096809051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7489245640307360133.post-58173293274695980032013-03-06T07:10:00.002-08:002013-03-08T05:45:07.593-08:00Nice Try<div style="text-align: center;">
Miranda Lambert refers to herself as curvy. Wrong bitch. <br />
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Beyonce is curvy. </div>
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You're fat.</div>
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And Mindy Mccready is dead! </div>
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<br />Parker Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755692918096809051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7489245640307360133.post-36691835269599904362013-01-09T09:58:00.000-08:002013-01-09T09:58:17.443-08:00Whaaaaat?!Amy Winehouse died from excessive alcohol consumption you guys! <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2013/01/08/showbiz/uk-amy-winehouse-inquest/index.html?iref=obnetwork" target="_blank">CNN</a> just released an article about it yesterday. In other news, a lot of people train their dogs to pee and poop outside. Also, the summer is warmer than the winter. More news to follow. Parker Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755692918096809051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7489245640307360133.post-66932217805504407032012-12-04T07:54:00.001-08:002012-12-04T07:54:51.095-08:00Just Saying...I'd like to fuck a pocket pussy (or any synthetic vagina, really) at least once before I die. Also, the Feast of the Immaculate Conception is coming up. Parker Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755692918096809051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7489245640307360133.post-27024586463597523962012-11-08T04:51:00.000-08:002012-11-08T04:51:09.844-08:00Natural DisastersThere are times when natural disasters occur that people look to God, Buddha, Josh Groban, or whoever else people pray to, and ask "Why? Why did you let this happen?" Hurricane Sandy is not one of those times. Hurricane Sandy happened because people in New Jersey are pieces of shit. So thank whoever it is you pray to for finally giving that state a fucking shower. Parker Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755692918096809051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7489245640307360133.post-52129969654700850762012-10-10T09:59:00.001-07:002012-10-23T06:39:27.764-07:00Say Your Prayers, Eat Your Vitamins<br />
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The only thing that should shock us about Hulk Hogan's sex tape is that he isn't fucking his daughter in it. Parker Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755692918096809051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7489245640307360133.post-81314638050749355482012-09-20T09:50:00.003-07:002012-09-20T09:50:59.271-07:00Ferry HandjobsEvery time I spill my hot chocolate, I have to jerk off. Thanks a lot, Dolores Claiborne. <br />
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Parker Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755692918096809051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7489245640307360133.post-35152998868761894022012-08-23T05:08:00.001-07:002012-09-09T19:54:55.072-07:00Nickelbitch<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My God. They're getting married. If there ever was a couple likely to spawn the Anti-Christ, it'd be these two talentless cunts. <br />
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If they do make a kid, this will be the lyrics to Nickelback's next single:<br />
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You're a baby,<br />
I don't mean maybe.<br />
Your Mom had you. <br />
I did, too.<br />
My band's real good. <br />
Those trees are wood. <br />
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Chorus:<br />
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I love you<br />
You know it's true<br />
You're my kid<br />
I'm glad I did<br />
Avril Lavigne<br />
Some plants are green<br />
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And here's Avirl's next single:<br />
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OMG, I'm wearing a tie with this t-shirt you guys! Thanks to all my fans and God. LOL! <br />
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<br />Parker Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755692918096809051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7489245640307360133.post-52342872343380254722012-07-20T12:38:00.001-07:002012-07-20T12:38:52.745-07:00Nananananananananananananananana BATMAN!You think that guy shot up that Colorado movie theater during the Dark Knight Rises midnight show because black people were talking during the movie? <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoVbODmJfmO6bGByjaAFqtfRyLbSTgOwvj99be9zt6MpOmI2PWXC4z6FH-WukkS1_3oI17x5L4WCHP8yrCjrcoin7Hjq9Q2r4WUj4_1BF0PlnTq7ZKU13KpfWQTu0wwA6yeC39gqTKOLE/s1600/B.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" hda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoVbODmJfmO6bGByjaAFqtfRyLbSTgOwvj99be9zt6MpOmI2PWXC4z6FH-WukkS1_3oI17x5L4WCHP8yrCjrcoin7Hjq9Q2r4WUj4_1BF0PlnTq7ZKU13KpfWQTu0wwA6yeC39gqTKOLE/s1600/B.jpg" /></a></div>Parker Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755692918096809051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7489245640307360133.post-48470412992775647152012-07-18T05:04:00.001-07:002012-07-18T05:04:37.743-07:00Camping Without the CampThe Boy Scouts of America recently reaffirmed their ban on homosexuals. That should be a huge relief to parents who want to have their sons raped on camping trips by good, honest, straight, Christian men instead of learning knot-tying and archery from those sinful queers. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhq8QZdZ3yHtn_72fOxc8Ltu0bw40chljZDFCqlgMJB9KFdAUx93WffmBQZmwYeDHZ8R5TROSiDOud36U92B_LpdRDUuxQ1tZjFxBhJSy6UsWfBdrjaL7Tw2F441NFJQvOd7oo0sHdyqoo/s1600/BS.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" hda="true" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhq8QZdZ3yHtn_72fOxc8Ltu0bw40chljZDFCqlgMJB9KFdAUx93WffmBQZmwYeDHZ8R5TROSiDOud36U92B_LpdRDUuxQ1tZjFxBhJSy6UsWfBdrjaL7Tw2F441NFJQvOd7oo0sHdyqoo/s200/BS.jpg" width="152" /></a></div>Parker Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755692918096809051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7489245640307360133.post-5338153538485769082012-07-16T04:08:00.002-07:002012-07-16T04:08:36.514-07:00Africa's Next Top Model <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-D7tiZmWaWU8lTTOpeCpBMa4UoIpGOMcQAX-sJgQ_AK06S8s6et0yK56ct8fbsYw6uLoudMem5JonKxt19kfD4UnD_re0HzdKabvfcgzjvN0NDuIv_6gArU2LdE_y_ohChEPiHIUvxfw/s1600/A.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img $ca="true" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-D7tiZmWaWU8lTTOpeCpBMa4UoIpGOMcQAX-sJgQ_AK06S8s6et0yK56ct8fbsYw6uLoudMem5JonKxt19kfD4UnD_re0HzdKabvfcgzjvN0NDuIv_6gArU2LdE_y_ohChEPiHIUvxfw/s1600/A.JPG" /></a></div>
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Thin is in. You look fantastic! Quit pouting, you little cunt.Parker Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755692918096809051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7489245640307360133.post-57259682669055715392012-07-12T04:41:00.001-07:002012-07-12T04:41:41.791-07:00RIP, You Sick FuckSad news, Assholes. Dennis Flemion of the Frogs is dead. In his honor, we should all write a song about raping his dead, cold, bloated body, but saving the ejaculation for the face of the retarded 11 year-old girl we have chained up in our basement. He would have wanted it that way. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfK4fnCcEwEs8p3-52Xzs1cmK7uQQQ5f52zFNvf2zVYkHPsbepHYzW3ACGJqtoU0ooN3kfRUQXtz3dcKKsiDZlXO7gLmGBwgyzVFOOGI9jjxdoeTts7nfph4zwEW7E4ntqe6mSgnXQ9wE/s1600/DF.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img $ca="true" border="0" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfK4fnCcEwEs8p3-52Xzs1cmK7uQQQ5f52zFNvf2zVYkHPsbepHYzW3ACGJqtoU0ooN3kfRUQXtz3dcKKsiDZlXO7gLmGBwgyzVFOOGI9jjxdoeTts7nfph4zwEW7E4ntqe6mSgnXQ9wE/s320/DF.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Parker Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755692918096809051noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7489245640307360133.post-31419272249272545752012-06-01T12:43:00.002-07:002012-06-01T12:43:53.850-07:00TherapyWhen life hands you lemons, stab and kill a homeless. You'll feel so much better. And killing a homeless isn't killing a person because they're poor and homeless.Parker Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755692918096809051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7489245640307360133.post-43862146062507604502012-05-17T11:08:00.001-07:002012-05-17T11:08:14.371-07:00Get Down and Go For It!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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You guys remember that episode of Saved By The Bell where Kelly, Lisa, and Jessie form the girl group Hot Fudge Sundaes? <br />
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I always wanted to rape Lisa. <br />Parker Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755692918096809051noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7489245640307360133.post-50741667931546854442012-05-07T10:15:00.002-07:002013-06-20T05:30:40.985-07:00Dead Baby PhotographyI am now a dead baby photographer. Please spread the word. If your child is still-born, I'll show up at the hospital with a mid-grade digital camera and take hundreds of pictures for you to post to your Facebook account so you can creep the living shit out of your family, friends, and people from high school you barely talked to but have access to all of your weird Facebook shit. I have a make-up kit in case the little monster is starting to turn gray (I can't drop EVERYTHING just to take pictures of your dead baby, so it might be awhile before I get to it), a cowboy costume, a cowgirl costume, an astronaut costume (boy only!), and a bumblebee (unisex). Please don't contact me to take pictures of your baby if it's alive. I'm trying to carve out a niche here.Parker Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755692918096809051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7489245640307360133.post-86283198277981106712012-05-02T09:45:00.003-07:002012-05-02T09:45:54.189-07:00I'm A Size 6. Times 7.How do fat people go about shopping for clothes? Do you just pick out the things you look the least disgusting in? Or do you throw caution to the wind since you're really only at the mall to hit up the food court anyway? Seriously, if you're a fatty, let me know. And then get off of this blog, I don't want you getting any of your fat germs on it.Parker Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04755692918096809051noreply@blogger.com0