True Story

Before becoming famous, Miley Cyrus was voted by her classmates as most likely to be fingered in an above ground pool.

Dude Looks Like A ... Dude

Bradley Manning, the WikiLeaks solder who was just sentenced to 35 years of federal prison for sending classified military information to the media, publicly announced that he'd be living the rest of his life as a woman named Chelsea Manning and plans to undergo hormone therapy. No need for the pills, Chelsea. You've already proven to the world that you're a woman by not being able to keep your fucking mouth shut.

Scotch, Scotch, I Love Scocth

If a girl thinks it's hot that you're a scotch drinker, then she probably used to get fucked by her Dad. Go for it!

397 "Likes"

A Florida man recently murdered his wife and then posted a photo and confession to Facebook. A neighbor who wished to remain anonymous expressed shock and disgust, saying "I just can't believe Derek did something like this. For him to murder his own wife and post it to Facebook when Instagram is clearly the better tool for the job...it's just sad. Really upsetting."

Here's To Dementia

A recent study suggests that drinking two cups of hot cocoa a day can help prevent dementia in the elderly. Throwing everyone in the world over 70 into the sun would also prevent dementia and would remove a significant amount of the population that drives at or below the speed limit.

Something To Keep In Mind

The Trapeze Swinger by Iron & Wine is the type of song that a nice girl would like to be fingered to.

We Know Where You Sleep by The Paper Chase is the type of song that a slutty girl would like to get the shocker to.

Everyone's A Critic

I give Roger Ebert two thumbs down for his battle with cancer, but two thumbs up for his Howdy Doody Halloween costume.

Grammar Nazi

If you're one of those people that say "I could care less" when trying to convey apathy, then I couldn't care less if someone stabs you in your fucking face.

Contingency Plan

If the government ever shuts down internet porn, I can always go back to setting up a camera on the ball pit at a Chuck E. Cheese, so I'm not too worried.

Nailed It

If Phillip Seymour Hoffman wasn't famous, he'd be that one adult wearing sweatpants in the electronics department of a Wal-Mart playing the Nintendo DS on display. And he'd have a fanny pack full of lottery tickets.

Nice Try

Miranda Lambert refers to herself as curvy. Wrong bitch.

Beyonce is curvy.

You're fat.

And Mindy Mccready is dead!

Whaaaaat?!

Amy Winehouse died from excessive alcohol consumption you guys! CNN just released an article about it yesterday. In other news, a lot of people train their dogs to pee and poop outside. Also, the summer is warmer than the winter. More news to follow.