Nailed It

If Phillip Seymour Hoffman wasn't famous, he'd be that one adult wearing sweatpants in the electronics department of a Wal-Mart playing the Nintendo DS on display. And he'd have a fanny pack full of lottery tickets.

Nice Try

Miranda Lambert refers to herself as curvy. Wrong bitch.

Beyonce is curvy.

You're fat.

And Mindy Mccready is dead!

Whaaaaat?!

Amy Winehouse died from excessive alcohol consumption you guys! CNN just released an article about it yesterday. In other news, a lot of people train their dogs to pee and poop outside. Also, the summer is warmer than the winter. More news to follow.

Just Saying...

I'd like to fuck a pocket pussy (or any synthetic vagina, really) at least once before I die. Also, the Feast of the Immaculate Conception is coming up.

Natural Disasters

There are times when natural disasters occur that people look to God, Buddha, Josh Groban, or whoever else people pray to, and ask "Why? Why did you let this happen?" Hurricane Sandy is not one of those times. Hurricane Sandy happened because people in New Jersey are pieces of shit. So thank whoever it is you pray to for finally giving that state a fucking shower.

Say Your Prayers, Eat Your Vitamins

The only thing that should shock us about Hulk Hogan's sex tape is that he isn't fucking his daughter in it.

Ferry Handjobs

Every time I spill my hot chocolate, I have to jerk off. Thanks a lot, Dolores Claiborne.