Grammar Nazi

If you're one of those people that say "I could care less" when trying to convey apathy, then I couldn't care less if someone stabs you in your fucking face.

Contingency Plan

If the government ever shuts down internet porn, I can always go back to setting up a camera on the ball pit at a Chuck E. Cheese, so I'm not too worried.

Nailed It

If Phillip Seymour Hoffman wasn't famous, he'd be that one adult wearing sweatpants in the electronics department of a Wal-Mart playing the Nintendo DS on display. And he'd have a fanny pack full of lottery tickets.

Nice Try

Miranda Lambert refers to herself as curvy. Wrong bitch.

Beyonce is curvy.

You're fat.

And Mindy Mccready is dead!