Thumbs Up

Mother Teresa could only cum during sex if you put your thumb in her asshole.

Kissed By A Rose

I guess Heidi Klum finally figured out that no amount of Oil of Olay was going to fix Seal's face. Auf wiedersehen, Braille face.

Yuck

Look, I'm not a Newt Gingrich supporter by any means, but ANYONE would have requested an open marriage if they were forced to only fuck someone that looked like this.

No thanks, Mr. Lucas

Sorry George, but no one is going to see Red Tails. White people aren't going to see it because it's about black people, and black people aren't going to see it because they're holding out for Tyler Perry's Meet the Tuskegee Airmen.

Hipster Blowies

Hipster chicks give the best head because they try so hard to look like they're not trying so hard while they try so hard.

Corey Felt Men

Corey Feldman plans to finger the same men that fingered him.
I thought that only poor kids got molested. Go figure. I'd feel bad for Corey Feldman if he wasn't Corey Feldman.

Million Dollar Labia

Hilary Swank looks like she has a stinky cooter.

That is all.

Greece Lightning

According to this article, touching kids in Greece will get you a disability check.

So, a one-legged, schizophrenic, retarded Greek who also has Parkinson's AND likes to take Penn State showers could technically be rolling in Euros. Pretty good deal if you fit the criteria...

Rain Woman

I don't care how many cattle Temple Grandin has helped. She has autism and talks funny, so I am better than her.

Recommended Reading

If you've never read "Haunted" by Chuck Palahniuk, I recommend it. It includes a short story about a woman who always felt a connection with inanimate objects like teddy bears, dolls etc. She felt they were real, with individual personalities. This woman grows up to work in conjunction with a police force in the child welfare department or something like that. If it was suspected that a child was sexually abused, she had these dolls that the kids could use to show her where and how an adult touched them. Anyway, after several years of use, the dolls are starting to fall apart so she orders new ones. However, she accidentally orders anatomically correct child sex dolls instead. Long story short, all of the police officers start signing these dolls out saying they need them for several investigations but they're really just fucking them. When she starts to suspect this, she steals the dolls. The sex dolls were just as real to her, if not more so, than the teddy bears she had when she was younger. It's been awhile since I've read the book, so I'm sure I'm getting some of these details wrong. It's just a really good, revealing story on how vile people can be, and how no person, regardless of their background or profession, can ever be truly trusted. It's a cautionary tale, and one that should be read by everyone. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'd really like to fuck a kid doll.

Come on, you saw that coming, right?

God and Rape



One loves to pray, the other loves to rape chicks. Can't we just let these guys do what makes them happy without making a big deal about it?

Who Do You Think You're Fooling?

Fat People: Why do you order salads when you're at a restaurant? It's like you think we don't know that as soon as you get home you roll around in mayonnaise and cheesy garlic bread. The one thing you're good for is laughing at, so please order something gross so we can judge you even further. You aren't fooling anyone. Stop being so selfish.