Here's To Dementia

A recent study suggests that drinking two cups of hot cocoa a day can help prevent dementia in the elderly. Throwing everyone in the world over 70 into the sun would also prevent dementia and would remove a significant amount of the population that drives at or below the speed limit.

Something To Keep In Mind

The Trapeze Swinger by Iron & Wine is the type of song that a nice girl would like to be fingered to.

We Know Where You Sleep by The Paper Chase is the type of song that a slutty girl would like to get the shocker to.

Everyone's A Critic

I give Roger Ebert two thumbs down for his battle with cancer, but two thumbs up for his Howdy Doody Halloween costume.

Grammar Nazi

If you're one of those people that say "I could care less" when trying to convey apathy, then I couldn't care less if someone stabs you in your fucking face.

Contingency Plan

If the government ever shuts down internet porn, I can always go back to setting up a camera on the ball pit at a Chuck E. Cheese, so I'm not too worried.

Nailed It

If Phillip Seymour Hoffman wasn't famous, he'd be that one adult wearing sweatpants in the electronics department of a Wal-Mart playing the Nintendo DS on display. And he'd have a fanny pack full of lottery tickets.

Nice Try

Miranda Lambert refers to herself as curvy. Wrong bitch.

Beyonce is curvy.

You're fat.

And Mindy Mccready is dead!