Therapy

When life hands you lemons, stab and kill a homeless. You'll feel so much better. And killing a homeless isn't killing a person because they're poor and homeless.

Get Down and Go For It!

You guys remember that episode of Saved By The Bell where Kelly, Lisa, and Jessie form the girl group Hot Fudge Sundaes?

I always wanted to rape Lisa.

Dead Baby Photography

I am now a dead baby photographer. Please spread the word. If your child is still-born, I'll show up at the hospital with a mid-grade digital camera and take hundreds of pictures for you to post to your Facebook account so you can creep the living shit out of your family, friends, and people from high school you barely talked to but have access to all of your weird Facebook shit. I have a make-up kit in case the little monster is starting to turn gray (I can't drop EVERYTHING just to take pictures of your dead baby, so it might be awhile before I get to it), a cowboy costume, a cowgirl costume, an astronaut costume (boy only!), and a bumblebee (unisex). Please don't contact me to take pictures of your baby if it's alive. I'm trying to carve out a niche here.

I'm A Size 6. Times 7.

How do fat people go about shopping for clothes? Do you just pick out the things you look the least disgusting in? Or do you throw caution to the wind since you're really only at the mall to hit up the food court anyway? Seriously, if you're a fatty, let me know. And then get off of this blog, I don't want you getting any of your fat germs on it.

Cusack for Pres

All hail, Joan Cusack! According to this, she told Gabourney Sidibe to quit trying to be an actress before she "made it big" with that Precious movie. If only she had listened. Why should I have to look at this fat stank blob everytime I want to masturbate to that Laura Linney cancer show on Showtime? It might not have worked, but thanks for trying Joan. Fat people can be really determined about shit. Except for cleaning up their diets or exercising.

Yes!

Someone happened upon this blog recently by Googling "shameless retarded asian baby". You can 't imagine how proud I was when I saw that in my traffic stats today.

Thanks, Uncle Jerry

I wonder if there are any kids that Jerry Sandusky had inappropriate contact with that haven't come forward yet. If I got buttfucked in a shower by Jerry Sandusky, yeah. I'd probably tell on him. But if he just blew me and bought me a computer, I don't know that I would have been that upset about that.